Out of what? Casual conversation? I haven't done anything that I haven't already paid for, Skye. SHIELD made their choice and they kept me as a bargaining chip. Now there's no bargain to be made here, so I'm just here the same as you are.
You don't have casual conversations with people you turned on. People you tried to kill. Were you disappointed? When that miracle drug brought me back? Was Quinn supposed to kill me, or was that all part of the plan too?
I didn't know that was going to happen, Skye. I wouldn't have wanted you in the line of fire like that. If it was part of any plan, it wasn't mine and it wasn't one I was involved in.
[He realizes that looking back, that it was the only way to get Coulson to reveal that, to get that information to come to light - but at the time he didn't realize how far Garrett would go, he didn't see how desperate he'd become when pushed to a wall of non-answers.]
Oh my mistake. I should have remembered. You're only okay with putting other innocents in the line of fire. Like Thomas Nash. Victoria Hand. Mike Peterson. You let Raina TORTURE. COULSON.
I didn't LET anyone do anything. I was given a job and I did it. It didn't entail me being briefed on every plan that Garrett had in play.
[It honestly would have looked weird if he knew what was going on all the time. Even if he counted himself as a good liar, there's something different about someone who lies and someone who just doesn't have all the facts.]
It does make a difference. Garrett wanted FitzSimmons dealt with. He wanted them dead and I knew if I let them live he'd have sent someone else to finish the job. I gave them the best chance I could at the time.
[ It didn't add up. Even now, she couldn't reconcile that with the facts. He'd tried to kill Fitzsimmons, no matter how he rewrote his intentions. He killed countless SHIELD agents. Betrayed them all. He was complicit in Quinn shooting her, in Coulson's torture. What he'd done to May couldn't be quantified. He'd hurt every single person close to her, yet he continued to claim that he wouldn't hurt her. ]
[The thing is that he's heard all of this. He's stood there, in front of her, and heard this very question and he wants to -- he wants to believe that it could go differently. She hasn't been through it, hasn't been handcuffed to the stairs, hasn't questioned him in this way... and he doesn't want to hear the replies, doesn't want to hear her tell him the things that he's heard her say.]
You know we've had this conversation before. Not yet, not for you, but you've asked me before and I know that you won't accept my answer. You don't trust me, so you won't believe what I say.
[ It was infuriating, in a way. On the ship, she'd had plenty of people react with 'we've done this before.' Darcy, Sam, people she'd known the first time. But it was always with the caveat of calm explanation, tempered expectations. To have Ward of all people telling her that he wasn't going to bother with the repeat felt like a slap in the face. ]
You're right. I will never trust another word you say EVER again. Which is precisely why I don't understand what you think you can get out of this.
[His breathing is measured, calm in a way that he hadn't anticipated in the face of this being thrown at him.]
Skye, I care about you. What built between us, that wasn't an act. It wasn't intended and it wasn't what I expected when you were first placed on the team. So, you not understanding is fine. I know that I have to live with my actions, but I'm also here on this ship with you. So I'm not going to lie to you and I'm not going to hurt you.
And one day, you'll trust that I mean what I say to you.
[He nods to himself, almost convincing himself of some unknown date in the future that he'll learn to rely on. The twist is that he's never had anyone that he could trust, he's always felt as if he's been on his own and surviving, doing his job and keeping with the orders was the way to maintain -- now he has her and he's not going to just drop it because she doesn't understand.]
[ He'd said it before, of course, that first day after the jump. Explained that he wasn't going to hurt her, that he cared. It wasn't until now, though, that she realized what kind of caring he meant. As it sinks in, nausea welled in her throat. She stepped away from the comm device, covering her hand with her mouth and pacing.
It should have occurred to her before now. But she knew what was going on between him and May (or she thought she did). Crushes were crushes, and though Skye felt something for him, she'd gracefully bowed out for the time being. To have it slung back in her face now, have him playing at it being real, latching onto that connection, it made her feel blind and weak all over again. The man she'd started to fall for never existed. He was an illusion, a mask. And somehow, the serial killer that took his place had fixated on her instead. ]
You're insane.
[ It didn't matter, in the long run, if she believed what he said or not. Maybe what he felt was real—that made it worse. He'd done all of that despite what he felt for her. It hadn't stopped him. What about that was any good? What about that looked anything like love? ]
[It's easier for her, he defends. Simple for her to just excuse it away because she hasn't been there, hasn't seen how they could be together. How simple it felt, easy and almost enough to make him forget the rest of it.
It wasn't enough, though, and even now as he tries to build her up in his mind she thrashes at it and destroys any image he might want to cling to. He knows it might never happen, but he can still hang his hope on it.
[ He was right about one thing, at least: this was simpler. Transposing all her strong positive feelings for him to hate would always be simpler than reaching for the apathy she so desperately wanted to feel. The betrayal was fresh, an open wound rife with salt, and with it came all the disgust over what only too recently she would have been happy to hear. She projected her shame of her own naivete onto him in that form. ]
No. It is NOT FINE. You killed people, turned on all of us. You're a monster, and there will NEVER be ANYTHING between us.
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I'm aware of how it looked.
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You know what I'm not aware of? What you're hoping to get out of this.
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Were you disappointed? When that miracle drug brought me back? Was Quinn supposed to kill me, or was that all part of the plan too?
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[He realizes that looking back, that it was the only way to get Coulson to reveal that, to get that information to come to light - but at the time he didn't realize how far Garrett would go, he didn't see how desperate he'd become when pushed to a wall of non-answers.]
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You let Raina TORTURE. COULSON.
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[It honestly would have looked weird if he knew what was going on all the time. Even if he counted himself as a good liar, there's something different about someone who lies and someone who just doesn't have all the facts.]
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And I never would have hurt you.
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Why?
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You know we've had this conversation before. Not yet, not for you, but you've asked me before and I know that you won't accept my answer. You don't trust me, so you won't believe what I say.
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You're right. I will never trust another word you say EVER again. Which is precisely why I don't understand what you think you can get out of this.
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Skye, I care about you. What built between us, that wasn't an act. It wasn't intended and it wasn't what I expected when you were first placed on the team. So, you not understanding is fine. I know that I have to live with my actions, but I'm also here on this ship with you. So I'm not going to lie to you and I'm not going to hurt you.
And one day, you'll trust that I mean what I say to you.
[He nods to himself, almost convincing himself of some unknown date in the future that he'll learn to rely on. The twist is that he's never had anyone that he could trust, he's always felt as if he's been on his own and surviving, doing his job and keeping with the orders was the way to maintain -- now he has her and he's not going to just drop it because she doesn't understand.]
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[ He'd said it before, of course, that first day after the jump. Explained that he wasn't going to hurt her, that he cared. It wasn't until now, though, that she realized what kind of caring he meant. As it sinks in, nausea welled in her throat. She stepped away from the comm device, covering her hand with her mouth and pacing.
It should have occurred to her before now. But she knew what was going on between him and May (or she thought she did). Crushes were crushes, and though Skye felt something for him, she'd gracefully bowed out for the time being. To have it slung back in her face now, have him playing at it being real, latching onto that connection, it made her feel blind and weak all over again. The man she'd started to fall for never existed. He was an illusion, a mask. And somehow, the serial killer that took his place had fixated on her instead. ]
You're insane.
[ It didn't matter, in the long run, if she believed what he said or not. Maybe what he felt was real—that made it worse. He'd done all of that despite what he felt for her. It hadn't stopped him. What about that was any good? What about that looked anything like love? ]
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It wasn't enough, though, and even now as he tries to build her up in his mind she thrashes at it and destroys any image he might want to cling to. He knows it might never happen, but he can still hang his hope on it.
It's all he has left. He can't lose that, too.]
It's fine, Skye. I knew to expect this.
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No. It is NOT FINE. You killed people, turned on all of us. You're a monster, and there will NEVER be ANYTHING between us.
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